if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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