$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just pee around me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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