Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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