I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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