if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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