Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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