And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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