You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize