walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
