6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
