The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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