Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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