I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize