I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize