hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
