so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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