i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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