I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Edward fifth and chaser hands
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
