I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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