Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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