A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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