glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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