Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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