I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Sext me about skeletons
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
