first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
