I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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