wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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