Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
