i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
