She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
