please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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