Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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