I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Randomize
