I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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