Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
