When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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