No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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