Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I need to sanitize my soul.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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