my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
