It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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