Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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