Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
