Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
