i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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