im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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