Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
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