trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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