thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
