I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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