**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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