Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
