when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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