that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
