yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
