It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
