my being single is dangerous.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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