Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize