Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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