I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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