just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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